And... the UPRotW Award goes to Orcon!

For immediate release

There's a constipated joke in there somewhere...

Orcon’s Broadband speeds beat out rivals

Does it really? That's not bad, considering all Orcon's doing is reselling the same "broadband" as its outbeaten rivals.

As a part of their on-going commitment to providing New Zealand's best broadband, Auckland based telecommunications provider Orcon has announced that it has increased its international and domestic network capacity.

Ooh, excellent. Good one, Orcon! So, how much more capacity then? Hmm? You're not going to tell me?

”Orcon is making certain that our broadband product is light years ahead of everyone else! We are providing one of, if not the best bandwidth ratios per user in the industry, meaning that our customers are receiving the best broadband experience possible" says Orcon’s General Manager, Scott Bartlett.

Goodness! Light years ahead now with first-generation DSL. Impressive. I guess we won't be told what the "best bandwidth ratio per user in the industry" is though. I'm not receiving a good media release experience here, Orcon!

Orcon's network engineers conduct rigorous planning and forecasting to ensure that additional bandwidth is bought onto the network in plenty of time to satisfy demand. Because of this continuous upgrade process there will not be a noticeable difference in connection speed for most users.

But... hang on a sec: Orcon, you just said the speeds beat out your rivals. What do you mean, "no noticeable difference in connection speed"?

"Users are placing increased demands on the network every day as they begin to use more sophisticated multimedia applications. This, coupled with the volume of users that we are bringing onto the service, means we have to be planning well ahead to keep up with demand. We are truly proud of the speeds our network delivers, with global internet speed test site speedtest.net ranking Orcon’s UBS network the fastest DSL broadband in New Zealand among the larger providers" concluded Bartlett.

Is that what Speedtest says?

Not quite, I conclude.